The pits

Well you do not see very much out of myself with my father at all untill just recently around here.  I have came to learn that the Boys always ment more to my father anyway and I got completely ignored in the whole matter after they were born.  If I was not ignored then I was getting spoke to in a rotten way either way I went.  I am looking back at this point in time thru the years and I have been belittled for most of my life from my father period while I was around.  In what some have said to me as of yesterday around here it all made since totally to me and I knew that this is how it all was even though it took me 34 almost 35 years to put the pin point finger on it all.  Since I was never blond at all nor blue eyed I figured that it was ok growing up since I did not mind my hair color totally and my one Grandfather liked dark hair anyway so I liked it.  I figured it was just totally cool beans at the time anyway.  Now my fathers father did not like my hair nor anything about me all thru the years at all and I have totally let it go also.  But both Great Grandfathers loved my hair along with my one cousins hair so it was ok in our eyes.  So after all said and done I have figured out in why my father told me to wait on the surgery around here totally.  Either he does not believe me in that I am that bad off or he just does not give a damn either way or both.  From looking at the images that have been took over the past almost 11 months around here of my back I am wandering myself in how I am walking without having being asked at all by other people.  That is what I had the problem with around here with my father asking me to wait around here for the surgery to repair my neck totally as of Wednesday around here also.  When I have 4 doctors saying this is how it is around here guess what I tend to listen to the doctors more than my father who know squat and has not seen me at all hardly except maybe 2 times in the past 15 years here.  When I told my father this week that I will be having the surgery here a week from Monday he pretty much blew up about it and told me I better wait a year.  Well it has been almost a year now and I do not feel any better at this point in time at all.  Since my father has not seen me at all in the past year here then he does not know in what is going on at all around my place and he can not pass jusdgement on me at this point in time at all.  I have noticed the last time I stayed at his place years a go I got a urin infection also and knowing what the one doctor told me to do I got blasted out of the house then and there also.  After that I did not trust hardly anyone at all and with good reasons of why around the trailer.